Archive for March, 2009

I’ll be back… and more excited!

31 March, 2009

Speaking of comebacks… News has reached the technoweb that cinema’s greatest auteur, Sylvester Stallone, has talked the single most incredible action hero of all time  back to the silver screen – Arnold Schwarzenegger!

The Governator has officially signed on the dotted line to take part in Sly’s upcoming testo-frenzy, The Expendables. The film follows a group of nations (led by America, obviously) team up to send an elite squad of their finest soldiers into a generic South American nation to assasinate a corrupt, murderous, evil leader, who has been making people sad, miserable and dead for almost 20 years.

It hasn’t been made clear yet what role Arnie will be playing, and whether it will be a character role or just a cameo (which is probably far more likely, if a little upsetting), but we can be sure that he will join an action fan’s wet-dream of a cast including Sly himself, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lungdren, Jet Li and Eric Roberts– as well as some fairly solid rumours of 50 Cent, WWE wrestler Steve ‘Stone Cold’ Austin, token pretty lady Charisma Carpenter and the outstandingly brilliant Danny Trejo (with the smart money on him as the bad guy to beat).

Needless to say that this looks absolutely fantastic. If ever there was a pitch that ticked every action film box in the book, added about 20 more, ticked them,  machine gunnned the list, blew it up, delivered a witty one liner and ran off with a pretty girl, then this is it.

In an ode to the Austrian Oak himself, here is the trailer to the 1985 action classic Commando. If you haven’t seen this film, you are not worth knowing.

Somewhere, somehow, someone’s gonna pay…

I’ll be back…

27 March, 2009

Greetings blog readers. The more astute among you may have realised it has been some time since my last post on this princely and magnificent blog and, having put a good minute’s worth of thought into this situation, I decided there were two avenues for me to walk down. One of these was to breeze over the subject, decieve you fair readers, and act like I have blogged all along and you have been sorely mistake by the absence of posts. The other, my chosen path, was to heed the moral guidance of Jim Carey’s classic 1997 honesty flic, Liar Liar, and confront the situation head in respect of you, the reader, with humility, integrity and dignity.

So to celebrate how great I am and Chad Cinema’s own noble return, I have decided to dedicate this post to the greatest ever movie comebacks.

The comeback is an amazing cinematic device. You always know it’s coming, you can always see it coming, and you love it when it does – there’s no point in lying. But the greatest trick the comeback can pull is the way that, in a fit of sheer jubilant glee, every single doubt in your mind is instantly banished. Talk of “How did he/she/it [delete as appropriate] survive  the [insert ridiculous death/fall/obstacle here]?” should be widely frowned upon in these situations, and met with a suitable combination of dead-eyes, ‘SHHHH’-ing, and moderate physical abuse where required.

Here are some of my favourites:

Terminator 2: Judgement Day

A beaten and battered Arnie, after getting his head kicked in by the superior T-1000, finds his day going from bad to worse after being impaled with a spike through his flimsy, pathetic human skin. But just as we’re all left questioning if he’ll be back, our bad-robot-turned-good diverts power from his alternate supply, and that beady little eye sparks back into life for another round. Moving stuff.

The Matrix

The coolest thing to ever happen to slow motion (and the film that spark cinema’s most disappointing sequels), The Matrix culminates with Neo getting the old ‘belly-fulla-lead’ treatment. Be fooled not though, film friends, because when he does come back it’s in full on, ass-whupping digi-form as he makes short work of an extra-grumpy Agent Smith before splattering him all over the gaff.

The Karate Kid

As the film approaches it’s high-kicking hiatus, rebellious trouble maker Daniel Larusso is in no great shape. Hobbling around in the final of the karate contest against the evil Cobra Kai, our plucky come-good hero is on the bad side of a pretty severe beating. But after an emotional moment of contemplation our boy Danny sucks up every last bit of juice to pull off the crane kick of doom and win the fight. Cue close up of a nodding Mr Miyagi, and tears of pride from all and sundry watching at home.

Friday the 13th

After all is said and dead at the end of  Sean Cunningham’s 1980 horror classic, you’d be forgiven for thinking you could finally breathe out again. But no, no, no my friends, pay no attention to the plinky plonky soundtrack, the scenic lake, tranquil waters and police on the shore waving our daring heroine to safety. Because that horrible, burnt, 500 times killed cinema super killer is just about to brown your seat, leaping from the water to claim one final victim.

Aliens

Sigourney Weaver makes her grand return to the aid of Newt – who has cranked the squawks and sniffles up to 11 – and, with the help of  her iconic yellow loader suit, gives the alien queen a lesson or two in being a bad-ass mother. Get away from her indeed you naughty alien.

Die Hard

The ultimate baddie return. After being hung, battered, beaten and exploded, Bavarian bad guy Karl makes a last ditch attempt to nail everyone’s favourite hero John McClane, only to be gunned down by snacking super-sidekick, Sgt Al Powell. Yippee-Ki-Yay.